Sitting in my condo on a Sunday evening, though I've been posted here for about a week I feel surprisingly content. To those of you who may be from the distant future and unaware, 2020 is the year the global pandemic of COVID-19/Coronavirus (better known to me and my friends as La Rona) decided to rear her ugly head after a man in China ate some bat soup and unknowingly forced a naive world into the new reality of social distancing. WTH is that you may ask? It pretty much means you stay in your house until we find a cure for the virus or until you and whoever you're living with kill each other lol... Whichever comes first I guess.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined this strange time. Working from home this week has been an adventure in itself. I never know what day it is and though I am constantly speaking with my coworkers, I feel so completely disconnected. My new normal has been rolling out of bed in a confused haze while trying to be as productive as possible in my pj's until an uncontrollable amount of disgust comes over me and I need to shower and change my hoodie and stretchy pants lmao... WHO AM I?!?!
People have been losing their jobs nonstop, my loved ones included. Financial security for everyone is currently at risk as businesses close and the public stays indoors. Working for a nonprofit organization during this period has definitely been scary. Though we are considered an essential service, staying open and serving the community while an extremely contagious and dangerous virus is lurking has been challenging in multiple ways. First and foremost is being able to secure the funding to continue to run during a time when donors and foundations are halting the majority of giving. The other being that every day we continue to stay open we are at risk ourselves. I am one of the lucky people that is able to work remotely, but a large amount of my coworkers are out in the field assisting families and risking their health for the betterment of others. It really puts a lot in perspective when you have so much at stake.
As the situation continues to intensify, I have been reminiscing over the last year of working at my organization. I have devoted a great deal of myself to not only learning my new role, but to doing everything in my power to excel in it. Looking back, I really put it before a lot of other important things in my life including my relationships, my health, and my other passions. There was an array of other goals that completely froze as I took on my new position. These things didn't stop being important to me, I just became so immersed in my new daily life that it became overwhelming to add more to my plate.
As life has come to almost a complete stop, the fear of losing it all is real. It may be my own insecurities that bring on this anxiety, but one thing I will say about my fear is that it is motivating as hell. Very quickly after fear set in, I was reminded of all the other things I wanted for myself but stopped working towards. Now, I'm not saying that a global crisis needed to happen in order for me to realize that I wasn't living up to my full potential, but I will say that the act of slowing down and being slapped with the reality that it could all be taken away in a minute... my job, my home, my loved ones, has been completely sobering.
I've spent the last few days mulling over feelings of guilt and thinking about worst case scenarios. Then yesterday, I had a wonderful moment of clarity in which I remembered that sometimes things need to get a little shitty before they get a little better. It is never too late for me to continue on my path towards whatever goal I set for myself. If anything, now that I have an abundance of time to dedicate, what better time to get a head start! Worrying about things prematurely is only going to distance me from where I need to be, which is in the present.
There are so many people suffering right now on different levels. In a world of disorder and uncertainties (like where the eff we are going to find our next roll of toilet paper), my shortcomings and insecurities are not really all that serious. I'm not sure how long all this chaos will last, but I am sure that once it's over I won't be the only one who was fearful, who was inspired, or who questioned them-self in a time of hardship. There is an entire world out there evaluating their place in all this madness. So as I sit in my small but cozy condo, I feel an immense amount of gratitude and peace in knowing that today I did my best... but tomorrow, my best will look different.
For those of you who may be faced with similar feelings, just remember that you are not alone. Here's to tomorrow!
Sending love and light. Stay safe!
XOXO-M
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