Anyone else feel like the last few months has been a plot from some lame science fiction movie? Like in what universe did we ever think something like a global pandemic would cause a worldwide state of fear and isolation? It's been a weird time, and I have been saying it's a weird time to everyone I come across as to avoid the real words I want to say which is this is fucking ridiculous and I am hanging on by a thread.
A single thread, like as if the house from the movie "Up" was being pulled in the sky with ONLY ONE BALLOON THREAD... that's me... I am the house. lol
When all this COVID-19 craziness started, I wasn't concerned. Then everything shut down, businesses closed, jobs were lost, I was required to stay home with no toilet paper and fear was unavoidable. For someone like me who has anxiety and has battled depression on and off for many years, it was borderline paralyzing because "keeping busy" has always pulled me out of my downward spirals. Keeping busy to me meant seeing my family and friends, working long hours at the office, going to the gym, shopping... all of which are no longer allowed. I was faced with actually being stuck with myself and my overthinking on a different level than I have ever experienced before.
For two weeks (maybe even three, I lost count) I sat in my pajamas every day and felt so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with my thoughts, with my home, with my job, and mostly overwhelmed with the fact that my life took a dramatic turn that I wasn't prepared for. I was desperate for a distraction when I came across an old book I had read several months back, Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I did some research and saw that she was going to be facilitating a virtual conference that was intended to motivate and empower people to not only survive this challenging period but to find a way to actually thrive in it. Who the hell can thrive during a global crisis? Rachel Hollis apparently lol. I was intrigued and decided it couldn't hurt to join in.
Speaker after speaker, hour after hour, I became more and more immersed in this notion of thriving. I could write a book based on all my take away's from that day of pure inspiration. John Maxwell, Ed Mylett, Jen Hatmaker, Rachel and Dave Hollis... all authors and motivational speakers that literally jolted me. Personal development for me has always come in waves, but I realized that self-care shouldn't. This idea of embracing the things that make you feel good, it is not selfish, it is necessary. So I decided to go on my own journey and implement things in my life that make me feel whole again...starting with acknowledging my story and the power in that.
The story (in so many words) is this:
Though the trauma of various details pertaining to my childhood and young life run deep in my veins, there has been value and lessons learned that enable me to rise above and have a brighter future. I can do hard things. I know I can because I already have, and guess what, I didn't die. The pain and sadness that comes with losing people, chaos, uncertainty, and insecurity don't need to define the type of adult I show up as everyday. Pandemic or not, if I stop showing up for myself then I would have let all the negativity win... and although I may be many things, one thing I certainly am NOT is a loser.
There is something about sitting in your own thoughts that can be so uncomfortable and cause so much anxiety. Self doubt can be debilitating if you let it overcome you... Which was exactly what I was used to until I "kept busy" enough to distract myself. But over this quiet time, I have realized that my negative triggers don't need to signify downward spirals of sadness. Instead they can trigger the notion of growth and be used as motivation. "Anxiety is fear of a made up future" according to Rachel Hollis, so if that is the case why succumb to it? Someone wise once told me, if you're not uncomfortable, you're not growing. I always thought that was a step I could bypass, turns out, you can't.
Something that has really helped me handle anxiety over the last few months has been waking up an hour early to dedicate entirely to myself. I go on walks, workout, write in my gratitude journal, and have tea on my balcony. I know it sounds silly, but honestly, it fills me up before I have to give to everyone else throughout the day. There are so many demands from others always on my shoulders, and being the giver that I am, I give even when there is nothing left. I feel like this new routine has given me a chance to recharge and remember that I am my first priority. Physically accomplishing something for myself gives me pride in starting my day. Practicing gratitude in the mornings has also helped switch my perspective, I find myself looking for things that bring me joy throughout the day and that I am excited to write about in my journals.
I keep hearing people say "I can't wait to go back to normal", but honestly I'm not sure I want all of the my previous "normal" habits back. I have grown so much during this quiet time that I am eager to keep working on myself. If you're having similar thoughts as me, I encourage you to define your story and seek a new normal that gives you peace, helps you cope, and allows you to become a better version of yourself. Immerse yourself in things that bring you joy and make you feel whole again.
It is scary times, regular life is halted, but YOUR LIFE HASN'T STOPPED! There is always something to be grateful for and always a reason to show up as the person you want to be, YOU HAVE THE POWER! I may not have all the balloon threads I need to make my house soar quite just yet, but I can tell you for certain that I have more now than I did three months ago. I just need to remember the plot twist in my own story, I can do hard things! Who knows, maybe I can even thrive (take that, Rachel)!
XOXO-Mary
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