Growing up, I always felt like New Years Eve was the most magical night. A night of new beginnings and sweet goodbyes all wrapped up into a few hours of reflection and celebration of life. The notion of a year's worth of memories showcasing accomplishments, regrets, sorrows, and joy all coming to an abrupt ending and accepting the unknown excitement and anticipation of what is to come in the new year... it's really a beautiful sentiment.
Last week we not only concluded the year 2019, we concluded a decade of change. When I think back to the 22 year old Mary of 2010, I remember her being naïve, insecure, and really unsure of her place in the world. I was easily defeated as I had just lost my grandfather, who until that point had shielded me from harms way my entire life. I had just graduated from college and had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with my future. I was heartbroken over someone I thought I loved who didn't have my best interests at heart. SHE WAS A HOT MESS, young and overcome by obstacles.
Year after year since then I've tried to learn from my mistakes and be my own source of perseverance while acknowledging my weaknesses. Believe me, those who know me well know that my weaknesses are aplenty. I'm a highly emotional person who cry's at the drop of a pin, I have extreme highs and lows, I stress over anything and everything... but regardless of all my faults, I have been able to accept myself for who I am (most of the time). In a span of 10 years and with the help of loved ones, I finally have been able to realize that though I am a flawed person, I am also a strong person who has overcome loss, loves hard, works hard, and is worth more than once believed.
As we brought in 2020, my heart was heavy and I felt grateful for everything and everyone who has taught me along the way. I awoke on the first day of 2020 to news that one of those special people whom I loved so dearly said their sweet goodbye in the first hours of the new decade. My grandfather's brother and my favorite uncle, Nelson Archuleta had left us on this beautiful night to meet the rest of his family in heaven. 10 years after he helped me mourn my grandpa's passing, he too was now gone... I've struggled with reverting back to how I felt all those years ago. So many similarities and a lifetime of memories... it's hard to be strong when times of grief strike. A part of me has wanted to succumb to sadness, another part of me finds comfort in knowing he is at peace and would want me to remember the person I've grown into... A woman who accepts her faults and gives herself the same kindness she would give to others going through a similar situation. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to cry, and it's ok to be selfish with your time... as long as you remember, you're more than those things.
Though I am starting out the new 2020 decade with a melancholy spirit, I still feel so grateful. Grateful for having such exemplary people such as my grandparents and uncle in my life and for having a hand in making me into the adult I've become. I've learned a lot over the last decade, but I'm especially looking forward to what the next 10 years have in store. There is something incredibly enchanting about life and the small moments that define you. I'm sure the future will have more sweet goodbyes, but I'm also sure that it will have an array of new beginnings full of accomplishments, love, and joy as well.
XOXO- M
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