Throughout the last several years, I have been open on The Tipsy Realist regarding my mental and physical health struggles. Some would say my wellness journey hasn't been particularly successful and they wouldn't be wrong. My inconsistencies and lack of follow-through has been disappointing to no one more than myself. Different seasons of life bring different perspective... Some seasons are dark, some bring light and clarity, and some make you uncomfortable enough to learn, grown, and eventually change.
This particular season, though a dark one for mankind due to a global pandemic and social unrest, has brought about something different for me. This season has brought about something that I always thought I had, but in reality I didn't and yearned for... trust. The definition of trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. People speak about trust like it's just something you decide to do... trust me, it's not. In fact, trust often times is associated with other people... your partner, your family, your close friends. But in reality, trust can only truly be present in your life if you trust one person and one person only, yourself.
I could get very in depth about how or why I came to the realization that my childhood brought about a lack of trust within me, but I'll save that for another time. Instead, I will share about the moment I realized that my lack of trust in others was merely a deflection of the real person I didn't trust, myself. You see, I pride myself in being trustworthy to other people. I do what I say I'm going to do and have often times been described as dependable and goal oriented. But behind closed doors for years and years, I have made countless promises to myself that I didn't keep. It was as if keeping promises to others was more important than the ones I made to myself. I felt immense guilt when I had to let someone else down, why was it any different about letting myself down?
It dawned on me a couple months ago that the real reason I can't rise above in certain areas of my life is because I haven't valued promises to myself as I should. I didn't trust myself enough to hold myself accountable because I was giving too much of myself to others. My problems with weight, mental health, relationships, and countless other issues has been in part a result of thinking trust was on the outside and not an internal manifestation of my own ability to derive success. I have had to stop putting other's needs before my own, I have had to learn to show up for myself and hold space differently than I ever have, and learn to follow-through on promises I have made to myself... I am doing the work it takes to learn to trust myself.
Towards the middle of March 2020 (while the world was unraveling), I made a promise to myself that I was going to unapologetically do everything in my power to spend the next 90 days devoting myself to find happiness and health within my body, mind, and soul. I have incorporated a morning routine, started writing in various journals, started planning my days/weeks/months, changed my nutritional outlook, have moved my body for at least 30 minutes everyday, started reading books from authors who inspire me, all-in-all surrendered myself to self-care unlike I ever have before. It feels selfish, BUT IT ISN'T! I recently heard someone say that your body is a physical representation of what's going on in your mind... and well, shit... my mind and my body were in desperate need for me to wake up and realize that in the end, the only person who is going to take care of me, is ME!
I look forward to diving in more about my journey as it feels different from any other one I have ever been on before. In the past, I would do whatever necessary to look a certain way... I mean, ANYTHING... every diet there ever was in the world, diet pills, injections, horrible weight loss groups (or cults as I thought of them), and unhealthy obsession that led to various illnesses (mental and physical) and eventual burnout. And why? To see a certain number on the scale. To fit into that tiny hoochie club dress (duh). To fit the mold of what society thought was attractive for a twenty-something year old girl to look like. So what makes this journey so different? This is a mental shift, this is about self-trust, this is about honoring my body and mind for no one or nothing other than myself... this is me being a thirty-something year old woman finding her power, and fuck... there is magic in that!
XOXO- M
*Hope you'll join me for the ride! My second virtual workshop will be on Saturday, July 18th from 10am-12pm PST. The "Goal Getter Club" is a FREE interactive workshop that will focus on goal setting and passion planning to determine what goal you should focus on first and how you can implement daily habits to accomplish something great! Tickets are available HERE!
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